Ah, the new year. Time for reflection. Time for plans for a future. Time for hope. Time for killing off the past. But, mostly, time for things to stay the same while we all believe we are hitting a reset button on various aspects of our lives.
Having said that, I will start with the fact that I am still very much alive. That may seem like a very basic thing to say, but it is true and should be acknowledged. There have been several points over the past several years where I felt like, without going too deep into details, death was a preferable option to what I was living (there is another post for the other side of that), but here I am.
I live alone. I come home from a job and put on whatever music I want to listen to. Or, I don't put anything on at all and sit in silence. I take myself to dinner, alone, as a sign of appreciation for myself. It is the same meal every week on the same night, as a reminder that I have the right to enjoy things for myself.
And if I am to be totally honest, life hasn't felt this good in years. I feel like I have a strong group of friends around me - ones that I can appreciate for who they are, and they appreciate me in return. And perhaps I was just so stuck in my head that I couldn't appreciate that beforehand, but it is a nice addition to my life.
There are, obviously, still days where I have sit with the choices I've made throughout my life, and the role I have played in just how things have played out in my past. High fiving red flags like the red flags are a sign that my life is about to get far more exciting as opposed to leaving me with more traumas is definitely something that has needed some deep introspection and re-evaluation, for example. And then the consequences of trying to make lemonade out of lemons once all the red flags are burying me, instead of doing the logical thing of walking away is another. Why did I stay after that first time of being told to pack up all my things, have some of my things broken in retaliation of doing what was asked of me, and actually left?
Pro tip - no matter if they mean it or not, get out if you get kicked out. If someone can't contain their own emotions enough to not kick you out because they get upset, you're in an abusive relationship. And if they are kicking you out because they genuinely want things to end, let them make that choice. You're better off not being in a relationship that you're not wanted in to begin with.
But back to the topic at hand.
Spending New Years alone, watching YouTube videos of musicians making oddball music. Sober as sober gets. Texting great people while they celebrated or worked or whatever else they were doing in their respective places, while not the most exciting way to usher in the New Year, was a damn good way to usher in the New Year.
Would I have preferred to be around people? Well, probably not. There are maybe a couple people I could have chosen to be around that would have made it better, but for the most part, this was the perfect way to bring it in. It was quiet. It was entertaining. It was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. I didn't have to worry about being told I was boring, or being forced into some social gathering with people I only vaguely liked being around to begin with, and when my best friend text me that they, for the first time ever, was sober at a social gathering and now understood exactly how I have felt my whole life going to social gatherings sober I genuinely burst out laughing in my chair.
And then I woke up this morning and I felt alive. I am, by far and large, a boring person who lives a pretty boring life, but in that boredom - in that peace and calm - I genuinely feel alive. And that is far better than what I could say about this same time over the past decade.
So, if I could be so daring as to offer some advice to any of my readers out there - stop high fiving the red flags, learn to sit with yourself regardless of how difficult it is at first, and if you don't feel like you want to make the people around you feel like they are every bit as special as the way you feel they are, find new people to surround yourself with. Even if the only way you're surrounded by them is through text on a tiny cell phone screen.
Until next time, find a way to feel alive and keep living.
-Dustin S. Stover
コメント